SAVANNAH

She walked past the glistening shop windows of the blue-canopied Tiffany store, her annoyance spreading, almost as fast as the hole in her stockings.
The day, which had started off badly, had become progressively worse. Savannah stared down at the huge tear which had now spread out to her knee. It had been small and inconspicuous when she’d left home this afternoon to pick Jacob up from school. She’d been hoping it would have held but the more she tried not to think about it, the more she kept touching it, to make sure it wasn’t getting bigger by the millisecond. In doing so she’d turned the tiny hole into a crater the size of her thighs.

“I didn’t get it?” She wailed in frustration at the news that another job interview hadn’t worked out. She stared despondently at the rush of traffic before her. New York, three weeks before Christmas, was both a shopper’s heaven and hell.

Money was tight and she couldn’t afford to buy a lot, yet she was determined to make this a special Christmas for her boy. But she was still looking for a decent job; a mission she’d been on since mid-November. She had traipsed around different agencies handing out her resumes and talking to the professionally dressed, tight-lipped women, trying to convince them that she had good office skills, and that she’d been an office manager back in North Carolina and was competent with most of the PC software.

She could do better than stocking shelves at the supermarket which had been her job until recently, when looking for a decent job had become a full-time job in itself.

The traffic snaked angrily across the road as she grabbed Jacob’s hand and waited for the traffic lights to change. She’d been hopeful of getting some holiday work but it was proving to be difficult. An office job in the city would be better than working in the supermarket near where she lived. While it was ideal for its location and proximity to her cousin Kay’s apartment and Jacob’s new school, working in the supermarket didn’t pay enough.
She needed a decent job that paid decent money. Kay still paid the rent on her apartment because she still needed a place to come back to, and her company was providing accommodation for her in Hong Kong. But Savannah still had to buy food and pay the bills. And she hadn’t considered just how much more expensive things in the city would be compared to what she was used to.

It had seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, when Kay offered her the use of her apartment in Sunnyside for one year while she worked abroad. Savannah had jumped at the chance, having spent last Christmas with her cousin here, and she and Jacob had moved in over the summer when Kay left.
New York was a world away from the small town where she grew up in North Carolina. She’d left that behind, her parents too, and ventured out here, via a short stint in Pennsylvania where she’d stayed for a few months with Kay’s mom.

She’d come all the way here, not for the bright lights of New York—that dream from her childhood was gone—but because she hoped to make a fresh start and her cousin thought the city would be good for her.

She had responsibility now; she had Jacob to take care of. The boy had seen enough pain during his short years and she wanted to put a big distance between her and her ex-husband. Now that the divorce was final, she wanted to forget the ugly past and make a fresh start.

“Jacob!” She turned around, horrified to see her son standing in the entrance to a fancy big toy store, lit up like a firework. With its shiny decorations and shimmering window displays it looked like a set from a Disney cartoon, leading children in like a Pied Piper.
She’d tried to steer Jacob away from these kinds of stores, knowing she couldn’t afford anything inside them. They were a child’s dream come true but a parent’s worst nightmare.

That was why she’d taken him to the tree-lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Plaza, where they had waited with thousands of others. It was a free event, full of Christmas spirit. She couldn’t afford to take him to the Winter Village at Bryant Park, no more than she could take him ice skating, even though she loved ice skating and Jacob had started to learn back when they were in North Carolina. She’d almost had a heart attack when she saw the prices to rent skates.

She had assumed that a visit to see the tree-lighting ceremony would have been enough, and buying him a thick and creamy hot chocolate from one of the stalls at the Christmas market along the way would seal the deal.
But she’d been won over by the magic and splendor of the streets and had made the mistake of turning onto Fifth Avenue. Glittering Christmas lights and sparkling snowflakes, purple, silver and blue danced along the storefronts. It was a magical, mystical, fantastical wonderland, and both she and Jacob were caught up in its shimmering spell.

She shuffled along, listening to the lady from one of the recruitment agencies she had visited earlier, regarding an interview she’d attended two days ago. She hadn’t gotten that job either.

“Did you dress professionally?” the woman on the phone asked her.

“Of course I did.”

“Then I don’t understand it. You have the qualifications and you’re only looking for temporary work. You just have to keep trying.”

“I don’t understand it myself.” She stopped for a moment and panicked. Where was Jacob? He’d let go of her hand for a second and disappeared out of sight. She looked around frantically until she saw him standing at the door of a toy store. Complete relief swept over her. The shop looked big and glitzy and it broke her heart to see him standing there.

Who was that talking to him?

She marched up angrily, unsure whether she was angry with herself for not being able to afford anything, or angry with the man for trying to entice her son inside.

The sales clerk was tall and solemn-looking and he’d opened the door for Jacob but she knew her son well. She knew he wouldn’t go inside because she’d taught him not to talk to strangers. But even so, she knew he would be standing there, almost salivating. She walked up to him and, just as she predicted, Jacob waited patiently, not going in yet desperately wanting to all the same. One look at his face confirmed exactly why she’d been deliberately avoiding these big stores.

They couldn’t afford to go into stores like this, Jacob knew that. They could browse, but she was in a hurry to get him home and feed him. It had been a long day for him, coming to the city right after school. It took just under an hour but after a whole day at school, this trek into the city—where she’d tried to combine a visit to Rockefeller Center with a few visits to recruitment agencies—had tired him out completely, and this cold and chilly weather only exacerbated his asthma.

Jacob looked at her with his big excited eyes and she had to give in. The salesclerk eyed her coldly but the sheer look of delight on her boy’s face warmed her heart on this chilly Friday evening. The more Jacob pleaded with her, the more she relented. But when the man told her to put the kid out of his misery, she felt the blood rush to her temples.

“He’s not miserable,” she replied defensively, her nostrils flaring as she stared into the man’s cold, blue eyes.

“He doesn’t look too happy to me,” the man replied, looking at her coldly. She ignored him and told Jacob that he could have a look but no more than ten minutes. Her son’s face instantly lit up as she stepped inside, feeling comforted as the rush of warm air heated her chilled hands and face.

She’d come here once, last Christmas, when Kay had told her to spend the holiday with her. Kay had bought Jacob a small remote control car which had given him hours of pleasure; something they had both needed on their first Christmas away from Colt.
Jacob sat on the floor and started to play with some toys and she looked around the store, noting that it was full of lots of children and that there was a man going around taking photographs.

There didn’t appear to be many parents. She wondered if there was a special event going on; one that she and Jacob had unknowingly crashed. Savannah walked over to where the rude salesclerk was standing, and saw a woman talking to him.

“Is something going on in the store?” Savannah asked.

“We’re not open to the public,” the woman replied. She had shiny dark hair and shiny shoes. Savannah felt instantly mortified. “You’re not? I’m sorry,” she apologized only to discover that the man was now talking to Jacob.

She rushed over just as the man got up to answer a phone call.

“I’m sorry, honey. We have to go,” she said to her son, and saw his face drop. “I don’t think we should be here. The salesclerks don’t look too happy. I think they’re having some sort of Christmas party for the children.”

“Aaaaw, Mommy.” His look of disappointment cut her heart into two. The idea of pulling him away just when he’d found something that made him so happy pricked her as sharply as a needle.

No wonder the man had looked at her with such contempt. He’d taken pity on Jacob and let him in because he felt sorry for them.

“You should let the poor kid stay,” the man said, creeping up behind her. She didn’t like the way he looked at her, at the way he was eyeing her clothes. Suddenly she felt more conscious than ever of her ripped stockings.

“He’s not a poor kid,” she replied, turning her back on him so that he couldn’t see the ugly tear in her stockings.
Jacob stared at the floor quietly.

“Looks to me like he wants to stay.”

“But the woman said—”

“I don’t care what she said.” The man’s voice had a hard edge to it.

And I don’t care what you say, she thought. The moment had been ruined and she didn’t want to be here any longer. The two salesclerks were obviously having a disagreement among themselves. Then the woman approached her and told her about tonight being a charity event for children from adoption centers.

Savannah was now desperate to leave. Not only was she humiliated for having shown up at an event they weren’t invited to, but she now also felt drab and dirty in front of this woman. With her matching red suit and shoes and handbag, and her perfect hair and her perfect makeup, she appeared to have the perfect life; a life so different than the one Savannah had.

Jacob said something about seeing the man on TV but Savannah wasn’t paying attention. She felt the color rise to her cheeks.

“No, I don’t think you did, honey,” she said quickly, wishing they were outside. She didn’t like the cold stare the man gave her. It made her feel unwelcome.

But Jacob was insistent. “I did, Mom. He was on TV.”

Savannah raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really, honey? Come on. Let’s go.” She threw a contemptuous look at the man who smiled at Jacob as they swept past him.

Outside on the cold, frosty streets again, Savannah breathed easier. But she could see that the chill in the air wasn’t so good for Jacob. “Here,” she said, handing him the asthma inhaler. “Remember how to do it?”

“One puff,” he told her, then put the piece into his mouth and pressed, breathing in long and slow.

“Better?”

He nodded.

“It won’t always be like this,” she told her boy, as they walked along in the cold, desperate to get home. One day she’d be able to walk into this store and buy him whatever he wanted.

“I know, Mommy. It’s okay.”

His words brought a lump to her throat. She was bringing him up properly, with values, manners and gratitude. Despite the dark memories from his childhood, she felt confident that he wouldn’t be scarred for life. She was trying to build happier memories for both of them and had given herself one year to get her life back together.

She sensed Jacob had retreated into himself once more. “Honey,” she said, trying to cheer him up. “You’ve gone quiet again. What are you thinking?”

“You didn’t believe me.”

“I didn’t believe you about what?”

“About that man.”

“What man?”

“The man in that store. I told you he was on TV.”

“Okay, sure, I believe you.” But her mind had already wandered and she was thinking of the things she needed to do tomorrow in order to find work.

“Can we go back there next week?”

“What, honey?” Her thoughts had drifted to more important matters. She didn’t particularly relish the idea of wandering around the cold streets of New York visiting more recruitment agencies, yet sending her resumes out wasn’t yielding much success either. If she didn’t find something soon, she’d have to go back to waitressing in the evenings, something she didn’t want to do because it meant leaving Jacob at Rosalee’s until late evening.

As nice as Rosalee was, Savannah didn’t want to burden Kay’s former cleaning lady too much. Savannah now cleaned the apartment herself but used Rosalee every so often for childcare.

She could start waitressing again but it was an option she left as a last resort, when she could no longer put food on the table.

“To the toy store, Mommy. Can we go back?”

“I’m not sure. Let’s see.” She hated denying him things and tried to do her best. But the toys in that store were extortionate and putting food on the table mattered more.